Rickey Lynn

My Daughter Is So Sick

2010-01-24T19:42:00.002-07:00

I wish my plate wasn't so full. My daughter is so very sick-all I can do about it is let her know how much I love her and wait on the doctors to make decisions. My prayers are that she has surgery this week or next - she is in so much pain and there is just no relief from it. If G-d really is so merciful, she wouldn't be in such pain now. I just want her to get well soon so I can stop crying and maybe get some sleep. This is just tearing me apart. She wants to be so independent, yet she needs to have me around her. When the pain hits her she just doubles over and cries. Jen is a tough girl, but this is more than she can handle. I'm not used to seeing her crying. I'm praying for her.

It's so lonely

2010-01-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

Two years ago today, my dear spouse passed away. I lost a big part of my soul then and have never gotten it back. People tell me it gets better. My question is when? People tell me that G-d never puts more on your plate than you can handle. My plate seems to overflow tonight. This is one time that I am having such trouble handling the loneliness. I know this will pass, but I will never forget. The emptiness is almost overwhelming. I love you Lori.

I was such a fool

2009-12-03T21:15:00.001-07:00

I just don't understand. He was a member of Mensa and a professional golfer. He was gorgeous. He was just too kinky for me! What he wanted was just too disgusting to go into. I guess I just feel so hurt now. How could he do something like this? He was so perfect it was hard to believe he was alive and in the same world with me. I can handle kinky only up to a certain point, and he far surpassed that point. What's wrong with him? Or is it me that's wrong? If I was confused before, now I'm totally messed up. I'm just in tears over this.

Touched by an Angel

2009-11-21T17:39:00.004-07:00

Today, I was touched by an angel. More specifically, a young woman who has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I read her blog and can't begin to tell you how much if affected me. I found myself in tears that could not be stopped. In spite of all that has happened to her, she has such strength and will. I wish I could have the same, but I think qualities such as this are reserved for very special people whom God has seen fit to bless. I was touched by an angel today.

I Feel Like Crap Today!

2009-11-19T18:03:00.001-07:00

Between not being able to get my diabetes where I want it, and having some kids that are driving me up the wall, I'm sure I'm slowly losing my mind! When a mere child can tell a teacher to do something that is anatomically impossible, and get away with no punishment something is wrong with the system. When a child can pull the fire alarm 5 times in a row and not be pushished for it, something is wrong. When the teacher down the hall leaves her classroom in total tears, something is wrong. And when I go sit in my car alone and just cry my heart out for the sake of crying, something is wrong. I'll probably survive this, but I must admit I am so very unhappy right now. It's time for at least 1 thing to go right.

On Suicide Prevention

2009-11-12T19:46:00.002-07:00

A young person I know recently told me that "life sucks" and she wanted to end it all. I couldn't believe my ears. Here was a 13 or 14 year old with their entire life ahead of them telling me they wanted to check out. I put everything else on hold so I could spend uninterrupted time with her. Yes, she had her share of problems in life and with her family, but what she needed most was someone to talk to. I spent hours talking to her, and fortunately, she's still alive and unhurt today. I told her something that was told to me years ago when I felt the same way: "When you hurt yourself, the only person's you are hurting are those who love you the most!" When anyone tells you that they want to check out early, it's time to sit back and start listening. It's usually a cry for help, which if it goes unheeded too long, may result in their success and your loss.

My Doctor

2009-11-12T19:30:00.002-07:00

After many years of being a patient of my doctor I am considering changing doctors. I'd do anything to stay with her nurse practitioner, who I think knows more than most doctors, but that isn't the issue. I don't mind waiting for an hour to get to see my doctor - at least I didn't used to, but the other day I saw her after the usual wait, and she breezed in, spent maybe 10 minutes with me and then said I needed to come more often because the insurance company doesn't pay her enough to spend any more time with her patients! My ears are still ringing from her saying that. What ever happened to the Hippocratic Oath, or is it now the Hippocritic Oath? She used to be a fabulous doctor, but time has taken its toll. She doesn't seem to keep up her appearance like she used to, she's gotten on a naturopathic kick which I find myself diametrically opposed with, and she's become very brusque. I noticed the changes creeping in months ago, but dismissed them to her possibly having some problems at home, etc. Now I wonder if I've just been fooling myself. Her nurse practitioner is the way that my doctor used to be. She listens to the patient before saying much, and she shows a genuine concern for her patients that puts one at ease with her and willing to tell her what you wouldn't probably tell even your best friend. I'll probably stay with this office until things either get too bad there, or until I find another doctor who is more like her nurse practitioner. I have a friend who's mother is a nurse practitioner in another state. She tells me that they often have more schooling than a lot of the doctors. I believe it!!

I Had a Dream!!

2009-11-07T06:36:00.002-07:00

̇What are dreams anyway? I just woke from a dream that seemed so real. I was next to Lori who was seated in a chair in her hospital room. The hospital had her tied into her chair to keep her from leaving. Lori was famous for getting herself out of the hospital without anyone knowing that she left. She was able to tell me that the restraints were hurting her, and I was able to tell the hospital staff to remove them. It was so real it was like it really happened. Only 2 problems with it that I see. First of all, Lori passed away almost 2 years ago, and second (perhaps the most important part), I don't and haven't dreamed for many years because I am such a light sleeper that the slightest sound will wake me. Last night David (my son) was snoring like an F-16 fighter jet with it's afterburners on breaking the sound barrier. I had my door closed, my noise making machine on high to drown out the sound, and a second pillow wrapped around my ears to lower the sound level. Yet I had a dream - the first one in many years - and I wish I could understand it.

Being Afraid

2009-11-03T21:11:00.002-07:00

About a week ago, I discovered that I am becoming a type 2 diabetic. It frightens me. Diabetes gallops in my family, and I've tried putting it off as long as possible by dieting, exercising, etc., but it finally caught me. Yes, I caught it very early, and am trying to do all the right things, but I also know what diabetes can do to you, and to say it frightens me is putting it mildly. Everything from going blind to amputation of limbs to numbness to kidney damage. Do we always have to go through this kind of stuff as we get older? Why can't we age gracefully? I know my time isn't nearly up yet, but this is the kind of thing that can hasten it. And I fear it.

My Job

2009-10-25T21:29:00.002-07:00

I've spent an entire weekend trying to decide if I want to continue my job or not. I guess 1 more nite of no sleep won't hurt. It's not the work I mind - that's why I get paid - it's the lack of consideration from some people who just don't bother to think before opening their mouths! I can't even express how hurt I feel. I'm tired of crying and trying to justify their comments. I just don't know what I want to do. I tried relaxing for the entire weekend, but it didn't seem to help. I've got about 12 hours to make up my mind.

On Friendship

2009-10-05T20:13:00.002-07:00

I had a very good friend. She used to come to the house on a regular basis. I used to go visit her on a regular basis. We chatted regularly. We shared crisis after crisis, and cried on each others shoulder. Now she's gone out of my life! I don't know why. No explanation. No - you did something to bother me. No you did something wrong. Just - several lies and no more friendship. Friendship means so very much to me - perhaps more than it does to others. My very existence depends on the love and friendship of those around me, and every friend is a valuable asset. Like the economy - I have lost a valuable asset, and it hurts me to the core. Yes - I have many other friends, but each one is special, and the loss of any one, is a tragedy.

I'm Afraid We Might Lose My Niece

2009-10-05T20:08:00.002-07:00

My lovely niece, of 16 years of age has thyroid cancer. The problem is that it spread from one side to the other. Then it spread to her stomach. They gave her intensive radiation. Then it spread to her liver. I don't know what's next. She's going with her family to Hawaii on Wednesday for a vacation. Her father's mother paid for the entire trip. Her comment: "I don't know how much longer my grand daughter will be around for me to enjoy". It's so sad to me. A 16 year old has so much of life ahead of her, and to have it cut short seems so very cruel.

I Must Be Crazy!!

2009-10-05T20:01:00.002-07:00

I probably should see a good psychiatrist about now! I volunteered! The one thing your not supposed to do - I did! Today I volunteered to double my teaching load - why? A number of friends had classes that were gigantic in size - not just big, but huge - class sizes of 45 and more. I volunteered to teach 2 classes of social studies to lighten their load, and I did this in exchange for them giving me another class of art! So I went from teaching 3 classes to teaching 6. Then again, its for the good of the kids more than anything. Kids can't learn in huge classes. In the eyes of the state, I'm qualified to teach this, but in the eyes of my mind, I just may have bitten off a lot more than I can chew. My blood pressure is up just in anticipation, but at least I am doing something I enjoy doing - working with kids!

June Comes Home Tomorrow

2009-09-24T21:42:00.002-07:00

My beloved June finally comes home tomorrow for a few days. I can't tell anyone how very much I have missed her. Talking to her on the phone just isn't the same as getting to see her and for me, the pleasure of getting to tuck her in. I know at her age, I shouldn't be tucking her in, yet I love this child so very much, that I can't give it up. She'll fly out of here next week, and I won't see her again until late December. I'll cry a lot, but I know she will always find her way home.

A Sad Day

2009-09-16T21:11:00.001-07:00

It is indeed a sad day. Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary fame passed away today. The world has become a little dimmer with her loss. Her belief that war was bad as were bombs and starving people, were watchwords of many protests of our generation. Her music was innocent, and her album Peter, Paul and Mommy was one of the greatest hits and a winner of a Grammy award. I, for one, will miss her voice and music as well as her wisdom to avoid war and to help each other. What better advice could she leave for generations to come.

Amanda

2009-09-15T08:33:00.001-07:00

Today, my niece Amanda will be made totally radioactive in and effort to stop thyroid cancer which has now spread to the lymph nodes on both sides of her body. I can think of no more horrifying experience for a 16 year old than to face this. I pray for her safety and recovery.

Is it right to hide the truth?

2009-09-09T21:55:00.002-07:00

Tonight my daughter, in a kind way, told me I was wrong for not letting her in on information about my finances. A few weeks ago, my daughter withheld information from me that she was leaving her job and moving a thousand miles (give or take a few hundred) away. Which all begs the question, "When is it ok to hide the truth?" Is it when it won't hurt the other person, or is it whenever you think it's ok, or just when is it? I felt badly that I kept information from her, but I didn't want to worry her. Now I find myself wondering if that was right. But---was her keeping information from me right? Do two wrongs really make a right? As I approach Yom Kippur and I start to search my beliefs for truths, this will be one of the things I will be examining to see if I have done right or wrong.

Surprises

2009-09-05T21:48:00.001-07:00

Life never seems to stop holding surprises for me. Some parts of my life I have kept very private, not because of myself, but because in making them public it could hurt other people. Tonight, a friend posted a question about an organization that I help that absolutely knocked the wind out of my sails. It was a question about an organization that helps battered women. I keep it a low profile so that none can get hurt through my association with them. How she found out is beyond me. I read every line on my web site, and every line on my blog. I can't find any reference to it anywhere. It frightens me not for myself, as my family sees to my protection, but more so because it could put other women in jeopardy, something I would never want to do. Battered women are so very vulnerable, and we must always be so very careful about letting out any information about where they are being kept or helped.

The Mikvah

2009-09-01T18:36:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I go to the Mikvah for a ceremony about the abortion I had to endure. The mikvah is supposed to be about closure of a horrible event in my life - yet I have a terrible fear - a fear that it may just open a festering wound that I have tried so hard to ignore. The choice was made, One of the hardest of my life. Bless me as I go forth. Help me face the guilt I feel so that I may not run away from the truth. Empower me to own the fear in my heart that I may have compassion for others who share my pain. Bless all who support me with the strength of their love.

This I Believe

2009-09-01T17:39:00.002-07:00

I'm trying so very hard to improve myself. As I get older, I find new meanings in old writings of life. This one was written by Goethe. I think it is so very powerful.

One should, each day, try to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it is possible, speak a few reasonable words.

Paying it Forward

2009-08-30T18:27:00.002-07:00

My loan fiinally came through, and I can get IRS off of my rear end. This was a terrible year financially, and I was fortunate that the temple was able to help me out, especially when food ran out. Now it's time for me to pay back. The temple made sure I had food with a gift card from Fry's. Now I'm returning that card along with several new ones, so that I can help those others who are also in need. Isn't it a shame that the whole world doesn't work this way. We could do away with hunger and possibly wars.

Loneliness

2009-08-30T18:20:00.001-07:00

Even though I am surrounded by people, I feel so very alone, especially at this time of year. My mothers birthday would be coming up. Lori's birthday just passed by. Lots of holidays are coming, yet they somehow seem distant without the ones I love around me. David and Kendell are moving in, yet Jennifer moved out, and June has busied herself with school and her natal family. I'm beginning to understand the inevitable loneliness that comes as we get older. How cruel is life as we approach its ending lines.

Lori's Birthday

2009-08-07T19:16:00.002-07:00

Today would have been Lori's birthday. I miss her so much. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. Here we had planned to grow old together, and instead my memory of her today was an audit by the IRS of her medical expenses. It was just a very cruel day.

An Honor

2009-07-21T16:02:00.002-07:00

The Jewish High Holidays are just around the corner. Since Lori passed away, I haven't been to Temple very often. Part of it has been illness, part of it has been financial, and part of it has been loneliness. I used to go all the time, but for some reason or another, I haven't been attending like I should, and would in the past. Today I received a letter from the Temple, asking me if I would like the honor of reading and leading a portion of the High Holiday service. I thought about it - I'm not sure I really deserve it, but then I thought again - perhaps it's a way in which I can give back a little bit to the Temple that has given so much to me. I am deeply honored to have been chosen to do this, and I will do my best to give back of myself to my Temple.

School is out!

2009-06-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day of school for this year. My 8th graders were terrific this year - creative, attentive, and with wonderful personalities. I hope their teachers next year appreciate them as much as I have this year. Next year will be a new administration, new kids with new problems and a whole bunch of new challenges. I look forward to it!